I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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