Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
