Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
