on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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