i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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