so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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