When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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