there's paper in my vomit.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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