she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I fill condoms, not promises.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
