Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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