I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
