Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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