Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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