I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize