Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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