I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
