i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
