Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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