I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Randomize