It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
