well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
