this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
