Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
