you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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