I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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