a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize