Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
