Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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