My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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