YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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