Welp...herpes.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
