i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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