i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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