If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
