I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
