Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
