we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
