I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
