I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
