Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
