I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
