he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
