he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
