Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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