Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
