he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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