We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
