I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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