No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
