Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
