Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
