I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
do nipples grow back?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
