i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
