a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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