the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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