I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
