she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
