Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
