question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
a search helicopter?!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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