his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
