I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
