Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
