no, he came in my armpit
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
