thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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